Walk with Me

You were born some years ago, but the minute you were born you started dying. Why do we come into this world only to end up dead in the end? I believe everyone was brought into this world with a purpose. Either to make the world a better place, or the other way so people would actually appreciate the goods. Everything we do is a side effect of dying. Death is the only certain thing.

It terrifies me knowing that people falls into some pattern of routines. You got up at 6am, got ready, breakfast, and by 7:30am you're out of the house to catch the sardine-packed train. By 8:30am you're at your desk sipping a mug of hot coffee or tea, while waiting for your computer to come up to live. Work and then lunch, and work some more. 5pm, you start packing for home. 5:30pm you catch the sardine-packed train again. On your way back, you grab dinner. 9pm you're nicely dressed in your pajamas. You watch TV or maybe you read and when it's 10:30pm, you turn off the lights and get ready for bed. You need a good rest to start the same routine again, tomorrow. This idea terrifies the living fuck out of me.

I don't want to live knowing I'll be doing the same thing again tomorrow. That idea, I don't find it comforting at all. I want life to surprise at every corner. I don't want to fall into the same routine as everyone else. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. I don't want to be one of those sardines. I want to matter. I want my life to be exciting. My only problem is, I also crave solitude at the same time. I don't want to be popularly known. I just want to be in my own world, but at the same time I'm scared of becoming just an ordinary Jane.

When my life passes me someday, I want it to matters. I want to leave a mark upon this world, but not the kind of marks that leave scar. For God's sake, I'm not here to hurt the world. I just want to remember me, when I'm gone. Maybe I want to leave a kind of mark that's like a tattoo. A tattoo with meanings. I want to touch lives. Not in a heroic kind of ways, but you know what I mean. I'm scared of falling into the state of oblivion. I don't want to be forgotten, because I want to be remembered as someone who has done something good for the world. Maybe not for the whole world. Just a little part of it will do.

I'm another year older today! I wasn't as excited as I used to be. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone, this year. I guess the event of last year really took its toll on me. I don't believe in being celebrated on this day. Not anymore. It's just another day. Another of being alive. That, I'm grateful for.

I've noticed the few wishes I got from the closest people in my life. That's enough. More than enough. At least I know these people, they truly care about me. I'm not denying that it didn't hurt knowing that I've been erased from the memories of others. Others that I still care deeply about. It hurts, but it's entirely my fault. I pushed them away. I put this big walls between us, so I totally understand that they have forgotten. Keep telling myself that it's okay. They don't matter. At least not anymore. I'm just going to focus all my energy on the people who actually care. People who are here with me, in every steps all the way.

Also, I have hope or whatsoever that this year is going to change my life in any way. Although it would be nice if I can just escape all these fuckeries and fly across the world with my best friend. That's all I really want this year, and I hope God will allow this one for me. I'll make a wish when I blow the candles later, but my wish will be with no hope. I'm done putting my hopes up only to be crushed at the end of the day. I'm done being a weak fool.

Happy birthday to me, I guess.

Breaking someone's heart means breaking your own. I've hurt a lot of people in the past couple of months. Some intentionally, some not. Well, looking back, I've actually hurt a lot of people. Most of them are those who deeply cared for me. Probably still do. I have no explanation for what I've done. I never do, but it is what I do best. I push people away. I draw a line between every relationships I have. I put a big high wall between people and myself. I never want them to see the real me, and I have no idea why I've developed such habit.

I didn't run away from people, because I wanted to be found. I ran, because I want to be alone. At the sight of things getting comfortable, I freak out. I got scared. I got attached to people very easily, and that thought simply scares the living shit out of me. I know for sure, nothing lasts forever and that idea is just too scary to wait and find out naturally. So, before it ends, I end it myself. I never expect people to come look for me. I don't want to be found. But I never wanted to hurt them as well.

Forgive me for being the way that I am now. I promise to cherish every little moments that we've had together. I promise to always remember the wonderfulness of the friendship you've given me. I promise that I will miss everyone that I've left behind intentionally or not. The memories, each and every little one of it will always be in my heart. I'm sorry I could've been a better friend, daughter and person. I know I could have, but I chose not to. I have my own reason for that.

You were right, tho. I have this big block in my heart, that I have yet to figure it out. I've been building my life around it, and I don't know how to not live with it. I don't know how to get it out of me, but I do hope that someday I'll be able to. Someday I'll be able to stay at one place, and not run away from anyone ever again. Someday, I won't slip through anyone's fingers anymore. Someday.