I'm Saying Goodbye

12:59 PM Friday, January 24, 2014



The hardest thing a person could ever do in his/her life, is giving up on the person he/she loves the most. Giving up on the person that you love is definitely not as easy as saying it. When every part of your being wants everything, but give up. You know exactly what you want, but you also know that it's never going to happen. You've to force yourself to give up, when you are more than willing to do anything for that person. That's when it is the hardest to endure.

Saying goodbye to the person you love is not as easy as breathing. It's like having every bones in your body breaking at the same time, times a million. It's like breathing with broken ribs. It's like dying. The only difference is that broken bones and dying, they eventually ends. This, it could go on forever. You can't just take morphine to numb away the pain. You can't just consume pethidine. The pain won't go away. It will never go. Time will only make room for it. Eventually, you will have to learn to survive. People can help you with your broken bones, but not this one. This type of pain, you'll have to go through it all alone.

How exactly do you bid farewell to the person you love? How do you say goodbye, knowing that there won't be another hello and knowing that this will be your last goodbye ever? It's like preparing some scrambled eggs with a meatloaf. It doesn't make sense. You're not supposed to say goodbye to the person you love. Love was supposed to be enough. It should've been enough to make them stay. It should've been enough to keep them forever, but it's not. It's not, when you're the only one loving. You have no choice, but give up. You have to settle for the last resort, no matter how much it's killing you. If you love them enough, you have to let go. Let them be happy, because that's all that really matters. Seeing the person you love happy.

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Jumping Personality

11:40 AM Tuesday, January 21, 2014



Somehow over the span of 23 years of living in this world, I managed to trick people into believing this amazing theory that I'm an extrovert. When really only those who know me well enough, would agree with the idea of me as an introvert. When I take a personality test, the results often reveal that I'm a Sanguine. What people do not understand is that I am only a Sanguine, when I'm surrounded with a crowd I'm comfortable with. I don't get comfortable with people that easily. It's really not easy for me, but I tried. God knows I've tried my best.

Faking a personality doesn't get easier as I age. Now that I'm in the 'critical' phase of life, "The Twenties", it's getting harder by days. In this phase where I should be focusing on "What's Next", instead I'm struggling with something I can't exactly put my hands on. It's very frustrating at times. The introvert side of me is growing bigger than it ever has been, overshadowing the sanguine part of me. What's hard is that people only know me as the chatty, bubbly and boisterous person. Not this person I'm becoming. The person I'm becoming is my most comfortable self. I like being alone in my room, in my own world. Out of reach and out of sight. How do I make people understand, that this is me? I'm hurting all these people I care about with all my heart, but I can't put a stop to it.

It's really hard to cope, when the only self you're comfortable of being is causing others to start questioning your every action. I get it that they care. I really do. Do I need a therapist for this? Because it sure as hell feels like I'm losing my mind. I want to tell the world that this is who I am. I don't want the attentions, I just really like being on my own. People make me so uncomfortable. They make me feel so insecure about being myself. I just want out of this whole mess I've made. Being a stranger seems comforting. You know, when you're in a new place, a place you've never been to before and not a soul recognizes you. The idea of it is just so tempting and comforting. If leaving everything and everyone behind is even a choice, I'd grab it the very first chance I have. Of course, I know better than that. I was raised well.

To have an escape, would be a dream come true. I became too attached to the idea, that I've recently created a world of my own behind the closed door and between these four walls of my room. I just wish things wouldn't get any worst than this. I'm choosing to embrace the Melancholic side of me, because it is who I really am. I hope someday, sooner or later, people would understand this side of me. I'm still the same person, but I'm only choosing to keep more to myself. When I'm quiet, that's just the way I want to be. I'm losing words to speak. It doesn't mean that something is wrong or anything. It's just the way I am. Jumping personality type is definitely not something I planned on dwelling at this age. It just happened, and I wish people would understand that it's not them. It's me.


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