Walk with Me

I have always dreamed of becoming a doctor. No, not just a doctor. I wanted to become a neurosurgeon. I know my dream is not like some fairy tale dreams, and becoming a doctor is not a walk in the park. I know how the road leading up to my dream job looks like, but I want it so bad. Of course, look at me now. I have a Bachelor's degree, but it's not in medicine. It's not exactly what I wanted, but I guess my degree is okay. I can still contribute to the medical field, or so I thought. Until I had to make a choice of going into an entirely different field. Non-science related field, and I hate it with every single atoms of my being. I hate my job, and I hate the fact that I'm not doing the things I love. 

I wanted to learn about the human's anatomy. I wanted to explore the beauty of how our brains work. I wanted to be able to see and touch the human brain. I wanted to diagnose mental illnesses. I wanted to help those who were diagnosed. I wanted to make things better for patients. I wanted to help. I wanted to contribute and I wanted to save lives. Or at least die trying. 

Instead, here I am doing this shitty job I could ever possibly imagine doing with my Bachelor's degree. The only good thing about this job is the money I make at the end of the month. When I tell people about my dream, they always say "why don't you just take medicine? You don't give up on your dream if that's what you really want". I know I shouldn't just give up on my dreams, but like I said, some times you have to give up your dreams for reality to take over. I wasn't born with a brain of a genius, and I certainly wasn't a book smart student. I needed a CGPA of 4.0 to be offered the course of medicine in a local university, and I need a lot of money to learn medicine at private universities. Both of which, I do not have. 

With a Bachelor's I'm holding now, I could easily pursue my dream. I know I could. Hell, I've even given it a long thought. What's stopping me? Reality. I'm in my early 20's. To pursue medicine will take about 4 to 5 years of my life. By the time I graduated, I'll be approaching my 30. It will take another couple of years of so for me to major in Neuro. I couldn't afford to lose all that time. I'll be 40, and there's still no guarantee that I'll get my shits together at that time. Besides, I can't afford not working by the time I'm 30. Who's gonna pay the rent? Who's gonna provide food on the table? Who's gonna do all that shits if it's not me?

So yes, I have to give up my dream for reality to take over. Not a day went by, that I do not live with this one regret. I regret not being brave enough to choose my dream over reality. 40 years from now, I know I will still feel this way. If this is the road that I'm meant to take, then I guess I just have to make the best of it. It's not all that bad, but it's not all that good either.