Walk with Me

I was talking to a friend today about some shit I did a few years back, and how not a single day went by that I do not live with regret. Her question got me dumbfounded.

"Why did you do it?"

My thoughts were circling around in my mind, trying to find the reason why. After a few minutes, I told her simply because I'm not a good person. She didn't let it go, and asked me to tell her the truth. I told her I guess I did it because that's how I felt at the time. She then asked,

"Why did you feel that way in the first place?"

I told her I don't know. I guess it's because I'm not a good person to begin with. Again, she told me to tell her the truth. For a good five minutes, I could not answer her. Then I told her maybe it's because I felt ditched by my own friend, when she made friends with other people. Instead of telling me how stupid I was,

"So you were hurt."

was what she said. I went silence and just like that, she shifted my point of view about the whole situation. For years, I've always thought that I was the bad guy in the situation. Although I have been forgiven, I have never really forgive myself for what I did. To others, it wasn't that big of a deal to beat myself up for years. To me, it defined who I am.

Just like that, she made me realize that I was hurt. Hence, my being foolish. There are always reasons why a person is the way they are. Most often than not, they might have been hurt at some point in life. Some pains we feel, like a blister on your foot. Some pains we don't feel, until it's visible. Like a small cut on your finger, you don't feel it until you it.

When I was a kid my mom always say, before we came into this world we've signed a contract with God. A contract of agreement to be sent into this world to live. Well.. Not literally, but I pretty much understood what she was trying to convey. As I grow up, I realize that in the "contract" that we've signed never included any clause that states "Life is Fair". As cliche as it sounds, life is not fair. At least not the life we're living here on Earth.

Some might want to argue with my statement, but it's the truth. How can you say life is fair, when there's a baby who was born with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI) or better known as the brittle bone disease. How can life be fair, when there's a teenager who was recently diagnosed with some type of malignant neoplasm, or in a layman language, cancer. How can you say life is fair, when a man who has been avoiding alcohol for all his life, died in the hands of a drunk driver. How can it be fair, when there's a kid born into this world with a silver spoon in his mouth, and there's another whose parents can't even afford to feed him, not even a piece of white bread. I could give you many more examples, and the list could goes on forever. Life is not fair. End of.

No matter how hard you moan about it not being fair, there's really nothing you can do to change that fact for anybody. Some were born lucky, some not. To be alive is a gift. It truly is. How you live your life, is entirely up to you. If you keep looking at all the wrongs in your life, you're never going anywhere. I'm not a pessimist, but this, I know is true. Take this scenario, you planned a road trip with your best buddies. During which, the aircond of the car stops working and you starts swearing and cursing for the whole journey. Not only did you ruin the trip for everyone in the car, you also missed out the potential of having a good time. You missed the opportunity to enjoy the beautiful scenery, you missed the opportunity to sing a very annoying song together at the top of your lungs, and you missed taking good pictures and creating a good memorable memories together.

If you keep cursing at the bumps you encounter over the journey, you'll miss out the fun. Stop staring at the bumps, stop frowning. Look up, look ahead. The whole stretch of road is all yours to take. If you're recently diagnosed with a terminal disease that has no cure, it is not the end of the road. If you recently just lost everything you've worked so hard for, it is not the end of the road. If you recently found out that you have no other way to live up to your dream life, it is not the end of the road. If you've lost everything in life, family and friends and property, it is not the end of the road. Sure, it feels like it at the moment. Sure it's easier said than done, and sure it is easier said when I'm not the one wearing your shoes, but I have my struggles too. I once have hopes and dreams and lost them, too.

It's what I've learned over my experiences, that they are not the end of my journey. Some of them, I can even say they are the beginnings of wonderful things ahead. I don't know where I'll be in 10 years from now, or will I still be alive to know. I don't know what tragedy awaits me tomorrow. I don't know if the people I love today, will still be the same people I love next year. What I know is, life is not fair, but it is no reason for anyone to end it, nor it is a reason for anyone to hate life.

Life is not fair. Life is just. End of.

How sad is it, when we have to put aside our dreams just to catch up with this shit hole called "reality"? 

You were born some years ago, but the minute you were born you started dying. Why do we come into this world only to end up dead in the end? I believe everyone was brought into this world with a purpose. Either to make the world a better place, or the other way so people would actually appreciate the goods. Everything we do is a side effect of dying. Death is the only certain thing.

It terrifies me knowing that people falls into some pattern of routines. You got up at 6am, got ready, breakfast, and by 7:30am you're out of the house to catch the sardine-packed train. By 8:30am you're at your desk sipping a mug of hot coffee or tea, while waiting for your computer to come up to live. Work and then lunch, and work some more. 5pm, you start packing for home. 5:30pm you catch the sardine-packed train again. On your way back, you grab dinner. 9pm you're nicely dressed in your pajamas. You watch TV or maybe you read and when it's 10:30pm, you turn off the lights and get ready for bed. You need a good rest to start the same routine again, tomorrow. This idea terrifies the living fuck out of me.

I don't want to live knowing I'll be doing the same thing again tomorrow. That idea, I don't find it comforting at all. I want life to surprise at every corner. I don't want to fall into the same routine as everyone else. I don't want to be just another face in the crowd. I don't want to be one of those sardines. I want to matter. I want my life to be exciting. My only problem is, I also crave solitude at the same time. I don't want to be popularly known. I just want to be in my own world, but at the same time I'm scared of becoming just an ordinary Jane.

When my life passes me someday, I want it to matters. I want to leave a mark upon this world, but not the kind of marks that leave scar. For God's sake, I'm not here to hurt the world. I just want to remember me, when I'm gone. Maybe I want to leave a kind of mark that's like a tattoo. A tattoo with meanings. I want to touch lives. Not in a heroic kind of ways, but you know what I mean. I'm scared of falling into the state of oblivion. I don't want to be forgotten, because I want to be remembered as someone who has done something good for the world. Maybe not for the whole world. Just a little part of it will do.

I'm another year older today! I wasn't as excited as I used to be. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone, this year. I guess the event of last year really took its toll on me. I don't believe in being celebrated on this day. Not anymore. It's just another day. Another of being alive. That, I'm grateful for.

I've noticed the few wishes I got from the closest people in my life. That's enough. More than enough. At least I know these people, they truly care about me. I'm not denying that it didn't hurt knowing that I've been erased from the memories of others. Others that I still care deeply about. It hurts, but it's entirely my fault. I pushed them away. I put this big walls between us, so I totally understand that they have forgotten. Keep telling myself that it's okay. They don't matter. At least not anymore. I'm just going to focus all my energy on the people who actually care. People who are here with me, in every steps all the way.

Also, I have hope or whatsoever that this year is going to change my life in any way. Although it would be nice if I can just escape all these fuckeries and fly across the world with my best friend. That's all I really want this year, and I hope God will allow this one for me. I'll make a wish when I blow the candles later, but my wish will be with no hope. I'm done putting my hopes up only to be crushed at the end of the day. I'm done being a weak fool.

Happy birthday to me, I guess.

Breaking someone's heart means breaking your own. I've hurt a lot of people in the past couple of months. Some intentionally, some not. Well, looking back, I've actually hurt a lot of people. Most of them are those who deeply cared for me. Probably still do. I have no explanation for what I've done. I never do, but it is what I do best. I push people away. I draw a line between every relationships I have. I put a big high wall between people and myself. I never want them to see the real me, and I have no idea why I've developed such habit.

I didn't run away from people, because I wanted to be found. I ran, because I want to be alone. At the sight of things getting comfortable, I freak out. I got scared. I got attached to people very easily, and that thought simply scares the living shit out of me. I know for sure, nothing lasts forever and that idea is just too scary to wait and find out naturally. So, before it ends, I end it myself. I never expect people to come look for me. I don't want to be found. But I never wanted to hurt them as well.

Forgive me for being the way that I am now. I promise to cherish every little moments that we've had together. I promise to always remember the wonderfulness of the friendship you've given me. I promise that I will miss everyone that I've left behind intentionally or not. The memories, each and every little one of it will always be in my heart. I'm sorry I could've been a better friend, daughter and person. I know I could have, but I chose not to. I have my own reason for that.

You were right, tho. I have this big block in my heart, that I have yet to figure it out. I've been building my life around it, and I don't know how to not live with it. I don't know how to get it out of me, but I do hope that someday I'll be able to. Someday I'll be able to stay at one place, and not run away from anyone ever again. Someday, I won't slip through anyone's fingers anymore. Someday.

The hardest thing a person could ever do in his/her life, is giving up on the person he/she loves the most. Giving up on the person that you love is definitely not as easy as saying it. When every part of your being wants everything, but give up. You know exactly what you want, but you also know that it's never going to happen. You've to force yourself to give up, when you are more than willing to do anything for that person. That's when it is the hardest to endure.

Saying goodbye to the person you love is not as easy as breathing. It's like having every bones in your body breaking at the same time, times a million. It's like breathing with broken ribs. It's like dying. The only difference is that broken bones and dying, they eventually ends. This, it could go on forever. You can't just take morphine to numb away the pain. You can't just consume pethidine. The pain won't go away. It will never go. Time will only make room for it. Eventually, you will have to learn to survive. People can help you with your broken bones, but not this one. This type of pain, you'll have to go through it all alone.

How exactly do you bid farewell to the person you love? How do you say goodbye, knowing that there won't be another hello and knowing that this will be your last goodbye ever? It's like preparing some scrambled eggs with a meatloaf. It doesn't make sense. You're not supposed to say goodbye to the person you love. Love was supposed to be enough. It should've been enough to make them stay. It should've been enough to keep them forever, but it's not. It's not, when you're the only one loving. You have no choice, but give up. You have to settle for the last resort, no matter how much it's killing you. If you love them enough, you have to let go. Let them be happy, because that's all that really matters. Seeing the person you love happy.